The Dynamic Tonality and Sound Profile of Standard Flatulence
or
Background Putrefaction, White Noise or the Newest Terror?
A team of Texan scientists at the Waco Biotechnical Institute has announced the results of its research into planetwide methane levels. Methane, the noxious greenhouse gas given off by putrefaction of waste and naturally occurring releases by cattle, humans, and gorillas, is increasing rapidly in volume and level planetwide, leading to alarm and depictions of doomsday scenarios.
However, there is a concerted effort underway to understand the ramifications of the rising levels, and the shining star of this research has been the recently launched Far Area Recording Technology With Asymmetrical Transport Control Hub (F.A.R.T.W.A.T.C.H.) satellite.
Jointly operated by WBI and the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security, specialists from both organizations have speculated that significant threats could be posed by terrorists who might actually be contemplating management and control of methane and other greenhouse gas levels.
In order to understand the severity of the problem, Professor Arnie Leiderschwanz, developer of the instantly recognizable and ubiquitous Leiderschwanz Putrefaction Index, has lent his support and technical expertise to the ongoing analysis, even though DHS has been publicly skeptical of his results.
"There is a more or less constant level of methane in the air we breathe, but several factors have been revealed that affect those relatively benign levels." said Professor Liederschwanz in an exclusive interview with Marston Tidwell, Associate Editor at the Bergen Bugle.
The professor went on to explain that for instance, the Putrefaction Index stays level at about 5% until around 25% of the TV stations in a given geographical area of the U.S. are tuned into Fox News. The Index rises perceptibly to around 55%, and if, at the same time, 15% of the radio listening spectrum is tuned to the Rush Limbaugh talk show, the Putrefaction Index spikes to around 81%.
At this stage of atmospheric putrefaction, methane is concentrated and potentially explosive. To test the flashpoint of the methane mix, the professor tuned into Fox’s Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and the Focus on the Family network broadcasts simultaneously, and a unique and new phenomenon occurred.
Background flatulence noise profiles, like white noise, had until that moment been negligible, below the hearing threshold, but with all three of the above media broadcasting into the lab’s confined space, the background flatulence levels rose to a deafening roar. One of the lab technicians, Charlie Winklemann, donned a protective paper suit, put on his safety goggles, then activated another Fox News station featuring commentary by Ann Coulter.
At that point, flashpoint dangerously high, an evacuation was ordered and a dozen employees rushed the exits, gagging, vomiting and stumbling over one another to safety in the parking lot.
The giant ball of methane escaped from the open doors and settled into a seething, volatile mass hovering over the Lab property, blotting out sunlight and casting a brown shadow on the upturned faces below.
The ground crew monitoring F.A.R.T.W.A.T.C.H. sat helpless as the satellite’s telescopes and biomechanical sniffer zoomed in on the ever expanding cloud, sending readings off the scales. An alert was posted to the DHS, and the President, who was out in the White House garage building a birdhouse, declared a moratorium on further testing.
"We don’t want this kind of knowledge to fall into the hands of the terrorists", he remarked, then went back to installing a cute little chimney on the birdhouse.
