Seven days ago, we briefly introduced the main candidates and the party constituencies they represent. This column, we will focus on issues that affect ordinary folks, particularly economic ones, and the candidates’ responses to the impending crisis. The era of feel-good legislation is over, and partisan bickering is heating up, as more and more citizens become disenfranchised, disappointed, and bitter, at the failure of their elected officials to address the needs of the middle class.
Senator Mulvaney, who has been the darling and a Tantric Twaddling League icon for the better part of two decades is embroiled in a nanny controversy. His wife Marla apparently hired an illegal alien maid, Eva Tantor, to clean his house and provide twaddling services for his sons Barker, 17 and a senior at North Bergen Prep, and Barry, 15 and a sophomore at Quaintsville Country Day Tech.
When asked on NBS Crosstalk by host Al Pente how he could possibly reconcile his actions with his anti-illegal alien rhetoric, he responded with a fanciful tale (interrupted by two Pepsi and Celebrex commercials) about fishing with his childhood friend Armando Noriega, thus skirting the issue and avoiding the question. Incredulously, he maintained the rapt attention of a conscripted audience of slack jawed supporters wearing twaddling hats, carrying mikes and cameras, all crowding the area near the podium, anxious to be near the dear leader.
When the spell he had cast began to wear off, a geeky cameraman for NBS zoomed in on a huge hairy mole on the Senator’s forehead, where the camera stayed for nearly 15 seconds. Just as America was getting its first real closeup of Senator Harrison Mulvaney, NBS executives cut the feed, taking NBS off the air for 26 minutes. A medley of infomercials filled in the rest of the news hour, and by the time it was over, most tv viewers had switched over to the National Alternative Martial Arts Championships, featuring whipmaster El Pinche Reynoso defending his title against challenger Ludwig Von Hipp, the Bavarian national champion.
Howard Felt, billionaire industrialist and erstwhile philanthropist, has made his money by leasing, for huge fees, environmentally safe, or green, technology patents to oil companies and government contractors, who then, according to his critics, don’t use them. His patents include exclusivity rights to Blue Stuff®, the cold fusion energy that could terminate our reliance on fossil fuels, and he has reluctantly agreed to release those technologies to the general public in small increments.
“To be suddenly pulled, with a loud slurping pop, from the oil teat that sustains us, is a sure bet for economic catastrophe and social unrest,” says Felt. “We certainly don’t want to upset the status quo just yet, but I promise you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and a good economy is just around the corner. We are doing a good job with the natural resources we have.”
Not everyone agreed, however. Late this week, an inquiry into the current economic meltdown opened in the House Commerce Committee, chaired by Senator Mulvaney and stacked with supporters of Archibald Sneeth-Coverington, third party independent and spokesman for the Biggest Flag Party. Mayor of Templeton, Idaho, he is the proud owner of the largest collection of American flag lapel pins in the world.
“This one was worn by William Henry Harrison, 9th President of the USA”, Sneeth-Coverington said in an exclusive interview with Fox News. “Tragically, he died in 1841 after only 31 days in office”, he said. “I hope my presidency lasts a bit longer”, he added, winking impishly.
Sneeth-Coverington has called for a hands off policy concerning the economy, citing his conservative values of “leave it alone and let it die. Let it wither to the size of a golf ball so I can double bogey it all the way into last Thursday”.
Responding to the question of who should bear the blame for the current fiscal crisis, he adopted a not-my-fault posture. “Those people who went out and blew money on overpriced houses and gas hogging suv’s should be charged with negligience, but unfortunately, stupidity isn’t against the law”, said Sneeth-Coverington during the interview.
When asked to comment about hunger in America, he responded. “Starving people? What? That’s only hearsay, or haven’t you heard”? Later he added, “If anyone in this great country of mine is starving, they probably deserve it. Obviously, they’ve been twaddling and diddling far too much, and I can’t be responsible for that”.
To see firsthand the impact of the recent combined economic factors of inflation, wage stagnation, joblessness, skyrocketing cost of living, and loss of hope, the non-partisan Office of Budget Recovery selected a family at random to interview and report how ordinary American wage earners are coping.
Bill Horr, his wife Edith, and 4 children aged 3 to 9, live in Smallston, a suburb of Telstar City, Missouri, where Bill is employed as a factory worker for Contrail Industries, Inc., the world’s largest producer of ribobioflavinoids, used in everything from ketchup to bubble gum. Contrail has been eliminating jobs recently, and Bill believes that his job is on the line, should there be another round of cuts.
Edith works part time as a librarian for the city, and has watched and worried as money and resources for the library have dried up or been drastically reduced. She too, wonders how they will get by when the economy eventually collapses.
“What in hell are we supposed to do?”, says Bill. “I’ve lived here all my life. Telstar City has a long and proud history of Horrs living here. This town has had Horrs in government, Horrs on the school boards, and we even had a Horr who was a police chief. In fact, in a couple of weeks we will host our annual family reunion; this town and our house will be full of Horrs”!
more next week.
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