Between this May and November, the presidential candidates will demand America’s constant and unwavering attention. Our ears, eyes, and our very thin-skinned know-it-all egos will be subject to a barrage of weird speeches, questionable promises, smears of every type and description, and a yammering maw of media entities that haven’t a clue about serious journalism.
In response to this naked attack on our senses, we, the editorial staff at the Bergen Bugle, pledge to bring you, our avid reader, (and you occasional editorial perusers), an unembellished election year chronicle of both campaigns. Weekly updates will focus on real issues, not side issues and spin. We will neither endorse nor condemn either candidate, but will present each one unabridged, unadorned, and in high-definition clarity.
So, pick up a Bugle, set back, turn off your TV, adjust your reading glasses on your nose, and prepare to be enlightened.

Senator Harrison Mulvaney, the Tantric Twaddling League presidential candidate, has pledged to support a kinder, gentler, twaddle, combined with a permanent tax cut for the wealthiest 2%, provided they provide documents verifying at least three twaddles a week. Mulvaney has also introduced Senate Bill 1325, which would deny twaddling benefits to illegal aliens. His Senate record is full of contradictions and inconsistencies, however. For instance, he voted last year to raise taxes on the middle class, while at the same time, he was speaking at events around the country addressing the serious problem of too heavy a tax burden on people making under $50,000.00 a year.

Howard Felt, darling of the iPod set and presidential candidate for the Dharmic Diddling Coalition, has called for nonviolent regime change, and has unleashed a torrent of nasty ads directed toward Mulvaney. He has downplayed and derided twaddling, and has promised subsidized diddling for America’s working poor. “It is vital to the economy and well being of every single American”, said the candidate, while addressing the Quaintsville VFW last Thursday evening.

More next week.