The white-coated figure that was Professor Hanover Klingst unlocked and pushed open the heavy steel door. It was time. This ungrateful city would now experience first-hand the results of his life’s lonely toil. His face was twisted and flushed, he was breathing hard, sweat rolled from his slick skull down his cheeks, and he peered up at the darkening sky through impossibly thick lenses.
"Yes! Oh, yes, my beautiful children, go! Go out into the world and bring me its wealth! Let no one stand in your way! The world will tremble before the genius of Hanover Klingst! Ha! ha! ha!..ha..ha....ha......ha.....uhh..."
The chimps scampered through the door of Lab 31, bottom floor of the Outland Research Institute, silent and deadly, disappearing into the dusk rapidly descending over North Bergen.
Klingst’s research was based on biomolecular pseudo-science and an intense interest in the work of Doctors Moreau and Frankenstein. Early on, he had succeeded in transferring dendritic brain material from a pit bull into the medulla oblongata of a hummingbird, the results of which were disastrous. About 24 hours after the genetic transfer, the hummingbird tried to eat from a bowl of kibble, and unsuccessful, attacked the lab cat, swooping in and barking..er..chirping furiously. Mr. Whiskers swatted the hapless bird out of the air and ate him, ending the experiment. To Professor Klingst, though, the results were very encouraging, but he definitely needed bigger, smarter animals for his next round. The following experiment was extremely difficult to hide, especially when the horse insisted on migrating out of the lab and south for the winter, and the goose.....well, it was too horrible to describe.
Lab Assistant Level 5 Elrod Flemmerton had the unfortunate luck to be Professor Klingst’s star pupil. A doctoral candidate, his thesis delved into biomolecular reprogramming. He headed up the Biogenetic Interspecies Transference Encoding Machine Experiment, otherwise known as BITEME. In offshoot research, he had succeeded in constructing a matrix for dissimilar species’ brain cells to interface without any rejection complications. Known as the Simulated Hybrid Matrix Utilization Transfer Zygote, or SHMUTZ, this material had very unique properties. It was endothermic, or grew warm when touched. As it heated up, it tried to do the job for which it was designed, and that was to prepare a brain for an infusion of new genetic material. The process was quick, it entered the bloodstream wherever it touched the skin, and the subject, when once invaded by the shmutz, would sink into a restful, receptive, happy, know-it-all euphoria. Shmutz was quickly found to be extremely addictive, and of course, someone hacked the development protocols from the Institute’s computers and released shmutz onto the streets of North Bergen, resulting in armies of extremely relaxed and talkative opinionated people invading movie houses, coffee shops, and artsy fartsy salons.
Professor Klingst was pleased at the obvious potential of shmutz, and of course, took complete credit for the results. Because of the secretive nature of their work, the circle of people involved in the research was very small; Professor Klingst, Elrod, and Larry the janitor.
The Professor was now ready for the next level. Through a Botswanan middleman, Klingst obtained six chimpanzees, but needed a new human volunteer for the next big experiment. He thought a bit, then rejected his first plan, the one that involved kidnapping. He snapped open his comm unit and dialed the Bergen Bugle.
"Bugle Classifieds, home of the Thrifty Buy and the "Hey, I Sold It" service. How may I help you?" Her voice was clear blue and sweet.
"I would like to place a help-wanted ad please."
"Fine, sir, what is the job classification?"
"Medical Research Technician’s Assistant." He gave her the particulars and went back to work.
Twenty nine interviews and a look-see at the on-line employment applications later, Professor Klingst sat in his office, decision imminent.
Hmm..... Here’s an MBA who’s tired of working at Burger King. Maybe... Wait! Oh yes, here we are!
A down-on-his-luck actor, hadn’t done a movie in years after that polygamy scandal and palimony award had made him a Hollywood untouchable. Yes! This was the new Medical Research Technician’s Assistant. Pierce Brosnan would do just fine.
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