"Yes, El Pinche, we have a situation. Let me lay it out for you. One hour ago, armed shmutzinistas broke into the Outland Research Facility and released several chimpanzees from their cages. They have been spotted in several neighborhoods, creating havoc. They have broken into homes and stolen food, attacked several people, and one was spotted driving a stolen Studebaker."
"Que?" El Pinche shook his head. Perhaps his ears had heard wrong.
"Er...yes. These chimps were undergoing various stages of experimental genetic protocols, and some of them are more...advanced, if you will. That’s about all the information I have and I’m asking you to round them up. Can you do it?"
"Of course, Señor Mayor. Rest assured that Whipmaster El Pinche is undefeatable."
"Uh,.. yeah. Think you’ll need backup?"
"El Pinche fights alone." He bristled.
"Very good, then. Oh, and by the way, this conversation never took place."
El Pinche dressed silently and with purpose. His spandex and black leather jumpsuit was made expressly for these missions. He needed to be able to move fast and keep his whip arm free. He strapped on his utility belt, then selected his best combat whip, the Revenger X. It was twenty inches longer than the standard competition whip, and featured a custom grip, fitted to only his hand. He adjusted his tiny sombrero over the black skullcap, hooked up his hands-free comm system, kissed a still-slumbering Lesmerelda, and headed out the door.
The titanium silver SUV, windows tinted purple, glided through chaotic city streets alive with people running from an unseen threat. Screams echoed from alleys and smoke and flame poured from several buildings as fire crews battled to contain the outbreaks.
El Pinche turned on his comm console and was immediately in direct contact with the NBPD dispatch.
"Agent E reporting. What’s my target?"
"Agent E, proceed to P.S. #9 at Twenty-Fourth and Abercrombie to remove a gang of chimps that have commandeered the school cafeteria."
"Proceeding. Ayyy...chihuahua!"
Public School #9 was a three story worn out red brick building, with the cafeteria on the northwest wing of the first floor. A crowd of sobbing and angry parents had gathered outside the main entrance; a single security guard tried to calm and hold them at bay.
El Pinche parked the suv and ran up the steps, parting the crowd. He flashed his badge and was beckoned inside by the guard.
"What’s the situation?"
"Well," replied the guard, a pimply faced young man named Lance, "The chimps broke into the cafeteria at lunch time and overran the place. It’s been chaotic. We don’t have any injuries reported, but apparently the kids have been herded into one corner while the chimps eat everything in sight. What’s your plan?"
El Pinche thought hard for a minute. Nothing in his experience had prepared him for this, but...
"My plan is to rescue the children and fight off the chimps simultaneously. I’ll need you to get the kids out the door while I keep the chimps busy. Can you handle that?"
"Let’s do it,"
From his utility pouch, El Pinche selected an immediasleep stunner. This was a metal hollow needle filled with a powerful sedative, that when affixed to the lashtip and flicked into the body of the enemy, could put an elephant to sleep in seconds. It was good for four hits, then a new stunner had to be loaded.
Armed and feeling dangerous, El Pinche opened the door to the lunchroom. A cacophony of yips and hoots greeted him. Six chimps stood on separate tables, grinning at him with bared yellow teeth. Two of the chimps had bandaged skulls, all six walked on fully shaved legs. They moved as one, off the tables and onto the floor toward El Pinche, forcing him to stay near the door. Senses tingling, whip hand itching, he decided to preempt the chimps’ attack, and faster than thought, the Revenger X slid
into his hand, uncoiling with controlled fury.
Crack! Crack! Crack! Crack! Reload. Four chimps lay contorted, limbs limp, torsos twitching, as Lance herded the handful of students out the door. One of the remaining chimps made a feint to the left, then ran in a half-crouch to the right. El Pinche was not fooled. Crack! Another chimp bit the dust, leaving only one, a graying male who sat unmoving, watching El Pinche through liquid black eyes. The chimp calmly unscrewed the lid on a jar of prunes and ate them one at a time, never taking his eyes off El Pinche.
Confused into frozen inaction by the chimp’s behavior, El Pinche was even more surprised when the chimp spoke.
"The prunes were delicious."
"You...you can t...talk!" El Pinche sputtered.
"Of course, doesn’t everyone?" The chimp’s voice sounded rasping and eerie, like Joan Rivers with emphysema. As the chimp spoke, he toyed with a small vial hanging from a chain around his neck.
El Pinche moved closer. "Steady now, I just want to talk! What is your name?" he asked the chimp.
"God."
"Who told you your name was God?"
"Professor Klingst."
Well, that explains it, thought El Pinche. This was another case of a mad scientist inserting human genetic material into wild primates in order to create a race of intelligient chimps and take over the world. This kind of thing happened now and then, you just needed to nip it in the bud before it went any further.
"What’s in the vial on that necklace?" he asked "God".
"Shmutz."
"I knew it!" yelled El Pinche. Those shmutzinistas were planning on building an army of genetically enhanced simians. Foul. Foul indeed.
The Revenger X lashed out one last time, and "God" fell from the table, twitching and whimpering. El Pinche walked up to the muttering chimp and snatched
the chain and its deadly vial. It was heavy and warm in his palm. He looked closer, held it up to the light. The semi-solid contents were alive, boiling, glinting gold with an inner luminescence. Shmutz, eh? This is what has everyone killing each other?
El Pinche looked closer. The vial felt warmer and a tingle ran up his arm. So pretty. So damn pretty. Look at the pretty light. He felt faint suddenly, knees weak, an overwhelming thirst for the contents of the vial blocking out all other reality. The urge to open the vial became an insistent command in his brain. Open it..open it.. I must open it...now.. Helpless, he reached to unscrew the gold cap just as Lance knocked him down and kicked the vial across the room. El Pinche sat stunned. It took several minutes to regain his composure and speak.
"Thank you."
"It nearly had you, man."
El Pinche’s comm unit warbled. It was Lesmerelda.
"Yes, my sweetness. I’ll be there soon." He pushed the button for NBPD dispatch.
"Agent E here."
"Go ahead, Agent E."
"Once more, El Pinche has prevailed. Site is secure. Send somebody to pick up six sleeping beauties, por favor."
"Wagon’s on its way. Go on home, but remain on standby."
"Si. Agent E out."
He stood up, straightened his tiny sombrero, holstered his whip, adjusted his aviator sunglasses, then as cheers erupted from the crowd, El Pinche exited the building.
